Cacat

I started out trusting people, which is why I don't trust them anymore.

A few years ago, though, I discovered that it is none of my concern whether people are trustworthy or not. It is something beyond my control. The only thing I can do is to be trustworthy.

I cannot say, with 100% confidence, that I have never lied, but I can tell you that being honest (provided you ask the right questions) is something I take pride in.

I have paid dearly for this luxury. I created enemies and even though I know I could fuck all the girls I could ever want and make even more money by lying, I simply do not want to.

One broken promise I'll admit to still haunts me to this day. I hate that. But I also do not lie because I believe it is unfair and creates a world I do not want to live in.

All this, is not to say I am a good man. No, I will go to hell, according to most religion's 'experts'. Nope. It is just a confession that I am cacat. 

Just Fuck It

There are things we can control, and there are things we can't. Worrying about things beyond our control could land us in despair.

But seriously, ask yourself - what is really beyond our control? You can always refuse to be a victim of whatever. I lay on my bed just now, and suddenly, I feel the old energy again. Been a long day, but suddenly I am not tired. I guess light comes when it is darkest or whatever.

Been walking around for the past few weeks with dread hanging over me. That feeling of dread is gone. In its place, a sense of purpose. I am ready to lose everything, and therefore I am ready to do anything.

Time is a resource, and time is a barrier. It is an issue, like money, but fuck it. Just, fuck it.

I was raised by television. By cartoon shows that teach me, to just fuck it. If you have a pet dinosaur, you go skateboarding with it. If a green-haired personification of the planet is living inside your ring, you try to make out with the hot Russian chick.

I've always been afraid of my intensity, because I have seen how it burns through everything, but I think it is also a very useful tool to get things done. Rather than mope around and shit, I should go out there and just fuck it. Do not fuck with me. Unless you're Thai. Or Natalie Portman or something.

Fight the Future

Idiots live in the past. Wannabes live in the future. These stupid fucks do not understand that the past and the future do not exist. Time does not exist, except only as the present.

It is very sad to see otherwise healthy, talented people preferring to live in a moment long lost. An instant when they were great, to justify for present failures and shortcomings. It's pathetic and annoying.

All the past is ever good for is jokes. For laughs. And to learn shit. To extrapolate data.

"I was the greatest-" IT DOESN'T MATTER if you were or were not. The only thing that counts is, are you the greatest NOW? How the fuck will past wins and losses influence your play today?

And then there are those who live on potential. On a promise that one day, they'll do shit. Fuck that shit, man. You either do, or shut the fuck up.

The reason why people use the past and the future as excuses is because they are afraid. Most people are cowards, not wanting to face everything they have faced before.

But that's stupid.

I've dealt with failure and rejection. Fucking conmen conned me and 'friends' backstabbing me. I'm still standing here saying fuck the free world.

There was a point when I thought, "It can't get any worse than this." but it did. And I'm still alive. Still standing with the only two things that have stayed with me - my wit, and my will.

I'm still the greatest there was, the greatest there is, and the greatest there ever will be.

When insecure freaks tried to make me feel insecure, I was just laughing inside. There is no one in this world and beyond that can make me feel insecure.

I grew out of comparing myself and tethering my self-worth to people's judgments a long time ago. I run a lonely race and the only worthy competition is myself. I do not try to be a better person, because the very concept of 'better' is dumb and stupid.

Realising that means you can stop wasting your time on fucking bullshit and start to do things that matter to you. Failure and success, like right and wrong, are basically the same thing - results. Results are neither your friend nor your enemy. They are just there. It is our judgements that colour them, make them something they are not. It's good for business and shit, but applying this shit to our selves is a recipe for disaster.

The only path to true happiness is not in the results, but in the process. A result is a result, is a result. The process, though - that's living.

You understand any of this, you fucking morons?

Learn to Fly

I had a long chat with a friend about equity share last night, and we soon got down to talking about dreams. My friend is almost obsessed with the idea of being great, of having great achievements.

"Do you have any dreams of being great?" he asked, with this hopeful glint in his eyes.

I shook my head.

"My dreams are very modest. Everything I do - all of it - is simply to buy my freedom and purchase my time from the world to not worrying about food, rent or the Internet bill."

And that is the truth. Some people have dreams of whatever. I only want freedom. My friend and I have figured out that to get the necessary funds to retire, working for people is not the best way forward.

Imagine you have a job that pays you RM20,000 a month. Imagine that you spend RM10,000 a month and manage to save - in a Herculean effort, RM10,000 a month. At the end of the year, you would have RM120,000. Now, being humans, and this is especially true for Malays, you may take RM20,000 and buy shit you don't need, like a vacation, hookers, pay your mistress, get a big bouncing car, rims or splash it on bullshit.

That leaves you RM100,000. You need to work 10 years to hit RM1 million. And then, to reach my goal of RM2 million, that's 20 fucking years.

And what do you have to do, in order to earn RM20,000 a month? How many asses do you have to kiss? How many idiots do you have to tolerate? Who do you have to kill in order to get RM20,000 a month?

I'm not making RM20,000 a month right now. And I am the greatest mind of the 21st Century. Who the fuck are you? A politician? A liar?

Things that hold me back are my code of ethics which I follow simply because I do not wear a turban or pretend to be pious. If I pretended to be pious, I assure you I could fuck as many 12-year-olds as I could ever want - I just don't want to because I am not a pedophile.

I know more about religion than anyone I know. I know more about Islam than PAS people. I know more about Christianity than most people, and I know enough of Buddhism to tell you that 'Buddhists' in Malaysia have combined Buddhism with ancestral worship.

Buddha was not and is not a God. He never claimed to be one. The word Buddha simply means 'the enlightened one', which is very similar to Jose Mourinho calling himself 'the Special One'.

I retain 70% of what I heard and learned. People try to lie to me constantly, but my mind is like a tape recorder with detailed minutes of each conversation. This is why I hate liars. I can never work with liars. SO fuck liars.

Happiness and Despair

Yesterday, many people spoke to me of their happiness and despair.

I so wanted to reach out and tell them that despair - in fact all of sadness, ALL negativity - is the result of resistance of what is. Many people I find don't understand what 'resistance' is. It is a difficult concept to grasp, resistance or acceptance of the present moment.

Every day, I deal with things that could cause huge emotional flux and swings, as does everybody. When presented with any situation, we have a choice in what we do about it, and even, what we feel about it as well. You don't force yourself to do anything you don't want to do. You don't do anything that feels unnatural or forced. You don't wish for anything to be any different. Either you acknowledge the situation and take steps to do something about it, or you let it go. All other choices are superfluous and unnecessary.

Hubris

They say pride comes before the fall. I don't know who 'they' are, but those are wise words.

As the most arrogant man on earth, I can tell you that I have been watching pride and ego destroy careers, lives, industries, dictatorships, governments, administrations and ultimately, happiness.

You are never too old or too stupid to learn. And of course, never too smart.

Hubris, arrogance, an inflation of the ego, all comes from a deflated ego. The ego constantly tries to do only one thing - survive. It survives only by fortifying its existence. A deflated ego is a weak ego and the natural gut reaction is to expand that ego.

This is the reason why people do evil, mean things. This is why we have bullies. This is why most people do anything. Insecurities.

The biggest bullies are the most insecure people, trying to find something they can be proud of, while at the same time convinced, subconsciously, that they have nothing they can take pride in.

People naturally hate themselves. I believe the reason is they do not know themselves and are merely lashing out at the thing that is pretending to be them - the ego.

The ego pretends to be you and then decides some 'truths' or some labels to be yours. Anything that tries to put it in any other way, is something to be feared and rejected.

If you fear death, if you fear destruction, if you fear failure, or anything, that is not you. That is your ego pretending to be you.

Expectations

Expectation is the reason for all disappointments.

This is why I usually cast aside all expectations. Actually, that's not true. I expect everything to be fucked up, so whenever they don't, I am pleasantly surprised.

See, expectations are merely ideas we have in our head of how something is or how it will be. Here's the secret it never is. Plato talked about the ideal horse, which does not exist, except in the minds of man, blablabla, wank wank wank.

I know enough to say I don't need people to tell me I'm right. I KNOW I'm right. Being right is not what I want anyway, or that inferior, cheap imitation - BEING SEEN as right.

Me? I just watch the world end. If it doesn't, I'll be pleasantly surprised.

Entah

Things are moving. The universe is turning, and I find myself in some of the cogs, feeling the rotation.

In this pivot point, it is imperative that I remain open. My sights are clear - I know the kind of work I want to do, and how to do it.

I do not trust people, but I am surprised - pleasantly - at the kind of support I am getting. I know that the road ahead of me is rocky and filled with potholes, not to mention sand-sharks, but it is nice to see that not all battles are uphill.

In this transitional period - or in any period, period - I must remember to never be evil. I am the Lord of Destruction, and I know very well that within all types of evil lay all manner of seeds - the seeds of destruction.

I was insecure about my intelligence, so I observed what is smart and what is stupid. Evil is never smart, because it always gets back at you. Evil is something that traps everything in a whirlpool of despair.

And I do not believe that we are great because of machines, tools or how we say that we are great. To be the greatest, you simply be the greatest. To be the best, you be the best.

A lot of people are afraid. Afraid of failing, afraid of being laughed at, of being rejected.

I stand here, a reject. A failure. I have failed at everything, I have been rejected by everyone. Laughed at, sometimes by 'friends'. Is there anything else left for any of you humans to do?

You are afraid of being measured, and coming up short? I have been measured, and I was short, long, big, thin, fat, late, early. I don't give a flying fuck.

My God is not mortal. I do not worship mankind or the voices of others. I will go forward, with or without anyone or anything. I am the best simply because I decided to be the best. A long time ago. And I am not turning or even looking back because I am fucking busy.

There's no pretense or whatever the fuck. I am the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be.

And I Hear the Gentle Beating of Mighty Wings

All my life, I've always been alone. It was and is my choice.

I don't trust humans, because they are always selfish. Driven by their egos, humans always try to use me for shit, either to prop their own ego, further their own agenda or whatever.

Therefore I am always touched when those who have no real reason to help me out step out of the woodwork or from on high and try to accommodate my weird shit.

It always happens in a time of darkness. When things start to look as if it will crumble to dust, I always get help from somewhere.

I guess I've always been lucky. And I say that with gratitude, not arrogance. I acknowledge the fact that anything good I have achieved took the effort and help from many people.

So, I give thanks to the ones who extended a hand to me. I don't expect anyone to do everything or anything for me, but sometimes it's nice to know that I'm not facing everything alone.

The silencer makes a whisper of the gunshot. I'll never know what I was running from. I'll cash the cheque this week.

Yay!

A Tale of Sound and Fury

Tonight, I went through a full half-hour of dramatic pathos, heroic delusions and unbounded megalomania.

I was explaining to a hapless friend how I am humanity's last chance, the saviour of mankind, when I thought, "This is stupid."

I am NOT anyone's saviour. I am NOT a superhero. I am a man. With a dick.

In fact, I am nothing. I am space.

There is no need for drama or a heightened sense of self-importance. I breathe, I eat, I shit. And when the time comes, I will die. Nothing at all like the drama in my head.

For a while there, I was caught in the ego's story. We all have stories in which we are the leads, the heroes of our own saga. We tell it to ourselves everyday and if we're not careful, we will believe in our own bullshit.

I think part of growing up is getting rid of that addiction to focus on the task and decisions at hand.

We get old, we get ugly, we lose those things that we think make us who we are, and then we die. Nothing lasts forever.

I currently have many things to do and think about. Rather than drown myself in a pool of angst and pathos, I am going to do some work.

Cheers!

Askar Jerman Yang Penyedih

Just came back from watching Avengers: Endgames dan aku nak cerita sikit. Bukan pasal avenger tapi pasal askar jerman. 

Aku pernah baca cerpen 'Askar Jerman Yang Penyedih' dalam satu buku antologi cerpen terjemahan. Masa tu, aku berumur lapan tahun. Banyak benda jadi masa umur aku lapan, aku mula sedar keluarga aku miskin, dan aku terjumpa cerpen Askar Jerman Yang Penyedih somewhere. 

Aku tak ingat sangat ceritanya, dan aku tak ingat nama penulisnya. Aku tak berani nak Google pasal aku takut cerita tu jadi lain daripada ingatan aku. Kalau ikutkan imaginasi aku, aku bayangkan cerpen Askar Jerman Yang Penyedih ni pasal askar Jerman yang sedih sebab kuih dia terjatuh dalam sungai berlumpur.

Selama lebih 20 tahun, aku membayangkan kuih apa yang dimakan oleh orang Jerman? Orang Jerman takde seri muka, jemput pisang ataupun ketupat pulut. Bagel makanan orang Yahudi, jenis-jenis karipap popular dengan orang Inggeris, Denmark dan Belanda.

Aku membayangkan, askar Jerman tu, mungkin membawa bekal roti Jerman yang menggunakan tepung rye. Mungkin mak dia masak, atau awek dia kat kampung. Aku bayangkan, mungkin awek dia simpan tepung sikit-sikit sebab nak buat kuih tu. Yalah, zaman perang, mesti susah nak buat tepung.

Lepas tu aku pikir pulak, dalam macam-macam rekaan manusia, aku paling hargai roti. Nak buat roti bukan senang prosesnya. Mula-mula, gandum rupa dia macam lalang atau sampah. Manusia zaman purba perlu tuai gandum, keringkan, tumbuk, kisar, campur air, garam, gula, telur, yis, uli, biar dia naik, cucuk kasi angin keluar, uli balik, bagi naik sekali lagi, kemudian bakar.

Aku fikir, proses rekaan roti mengambil masa mungkin beratus-ratus tahun. Bayangkan daripada gandum, ko nak buat kuih Jerman. Kuih yang akhirnya akan diberi sebagai bekal kepada askar Jerman dalam cerpen Askar Jerman Yang Penyedih, yang kemudiannya, ketika dia berjalan melintas sebuah jambatan kecil, telah dilanggar oleh seorang pemacu keldai berbangsa Yahudi, menyebabkan kuih Jerman tadi jatuh ke dalam sungai yang berlumpur.

Aku bayangkan Askar Jerman tadi sedih, kemudian, dengan penuh kesayuan yang tidak terperi, mengambil bayonet kemudian menikam pemacu keldai berbangsa Yahudi tadi, menerosok lubang jubur taik lelaki tua berjanggut tersebut.

Aku bayangkan, dengan sedih, Askar Jerman tadi menikam dan menikam lagi. Bertubi-tubi, sampai seluruh usus besar dan kecil pemacu keldai Yahudi itu tidak berupa organ manusia lagi.

Aku teringat cerpen ini sebab macam itulah rasanya aku tadi semasa menonton Avengers: Endgame, dengan watak pemacu keldai Yahudi itu diganti dengan mereka yang bercakap dalam pawagam. Aku rasa sedih, seperti kuih Jerman aku jatuh ke dalm sungai berlumpur, dan aku rasa macam nak menikam mereka berkali-kali di lubang jubur sampai usus mereka kelihatan seperti daging kisar yang kemudiannya dijadikan daging dalam Quarter Pounder with Cheese McDonalds.