The Episode Where I Gave A Fuck

Fuckers are stupid!

Recent studies showed that bat which copulates more will have bigger testicles and smaller brains. Yes cheeps, i think it applies to men as well since bats are mammals.

Nobody reads my blog, and i don't get comments on my blog and its frustrating. but i guess we can't all be heroes and writers cause somebody has to sit on the wall and clap as these heroes and writers pass by. Yeah! Clap! Clap! To vulgarity and lost cause!

Anyway. that's that. 

In life there are turning points in which your views of the world change dramatically. Some of you might cheekily say "we change every minute," - which is true, like your atoms are decaying as you are reading this, but apart from physically changing, that doesn't mean a thing because your core, what makes you as a person stays the same. Views however, change and people make adjustments based on this. 

For instance, once upon a time, people believed the world was just a pancake, that was the reality, some people were afraid to walk far, fearing they would fall... but then as time goes, people found out that the world is actually round... change of view, people were still walking but they travelled further knowing they would never fall off the cliff. They adjusted.

After all, having views is what living is about. Now I want to share my point of views on many many things.

I think we learn more from insults rather than compliments. from suffering rather than happiness. from negatives rather than positives.

I think facts are facts and you can't make it disappear on account of your likes and that's a fact. And if you live life based on a framework of facts, you rarely get excited... but you'll move ahead at high velocity. velocity is very important... if your life is a convex graph... the velocity decides convexity. convex is better than straight linear. Straight linear is dull.

I think everything is relative... in essence, if you feel good about yourself, it only shows the size of your relativity to the world... and usually the smaller it is, the easier you could show it. but the bigger it is, the harder you could hide it... I think its better being discovered than to show. Because to show is vulgar.

I think intelligence is much vulgar than wealth. Intelligence is the last line of defence before religion. Its like when everything else fails such as, looks, muscles, wealth... popularity, you go back to intelligence. Its vulgar and its weak.

And I think i'd rather be a dickhead, rotten to the core, hated... than forgettable. And I think to have an effect on the space I am living in is far superior than being comfortable, happy and safe. Which in a way means I'd rather be a failure than practical. broke than just average.

So.

Enough about what I think,  tell me what's on your mind.

Cheers!

I only write about things I know and you, obviously refused to know. About things I feel and sometimes things I wish I feel. I am not a writer of any issues, au contraire, I have none! Stop gasping. Yes, I have none. Even if I do, its not my main motivation to write. not that I couldn't assess or analyse my state of being but mostly its because I have shitloads of more interesting things to write about. The "on the surface kinda thing" you were referring to. So its shallow, so fuck me.

Writer with issues. now what do i mean by that? Well. I am not a homo to start with. Therefore I am not sexually repressed. And therefore, you won't catch me writing about sexual repression. Using metaphors and confusing symbolisms you aesthete call art! Note that I am writing to destroy aesthethics, not appreciate them.

And I think by not recognising a political stand is by itself taking a political stand! I mean, we have enough shit to deal with daily, what with concrete slabs falling on us, public goods offered by private sectors, rising inflation rate which is very apparent being covered up nicely by the central bank, misleading GDP reports, bullshit, propaganda we swallow everyday and cronies everywhere, how 'bout we run away... for a short while... we can always wake up and face the same shit next morning.

I am not here to fight, to stuff you with my idealistic views on how the country should be run! I will spare you off my idealogies. I am here to accept things. to accept that these are the disorders inevitable and mandatory if we want to keep on living. I am just a common man living beside your house, who will punch you or pat you in the back whichever applicable, in need of humour of any kind! Call me stereotypical, at least I'm real, I'm right here for you to take! And you...? Nevermind you... and, I love this country. Mostly because, I can't afford to live elsewhere. So why should i dread life, my existence in this country, wishing Malaysia could be more like America, UK or Australia. Malaysia is Malaysia, love it, hate it, its mine... its given to me...

And so what if Malaysians are made of bigots and racists, at least they don't come out in the open, not until people like you wanting writers to tell you the truth about things in this country. Well the truth is, truth is the truest form of bullshit promoted by writers who want to sell ideas stemmed from their insecurities, personal issues and their need to be accepted by the society! So stop searching for truth and stop applauding things, which only exist in some sick writers' state of mind.

Why do you need to dissect everything? Sometimes you don't need to pal. So I wrote a story, I have peeled it for you, "There is no onion for you to cry peeling", Na! Take it! Take it as it is! That’s something real pal! Don’t you think? You see I could've written a story about a goat named 'Pride' and a cow named 'Prejudice' and call it "Pride and Prejudice"- a row between the house of goat and the house of cow going against Pride and Prejudice's relationship. Making matters worse, both are married male which means they are engaging in an extra marital homosexual activity; the goat and the cow. But thats on the surface, what I really want to tell the people is about the anglo saxon capitalism model and why it will never work in our country, and how it will affect the moral structure of a country which will among others cause the spreading of STDs and a decrease in the Gross National Happiness! See it has all the essence, politics, sexual innuendos, sensitive issues such as race and sex and humour and repressed animals! Which would make you think I guess. Would you think? You would, I think! But how many would? How many would give a shit.

I think we are different you and I. I represent the average people, who have to take shit from other people daily for a RM150 raise in salary or even 3 days extra annual leave. Unlike you, my mama don't buy me cars, I have to pay for my own ride. Yes, we have to work for food, for lodging, for a living, not for paying that overpriced MAS ticket to backpack in South America after watching "Motorcycle Diaries" or New Zealand after the "Lord of The Rings" trilogy. Yes we are all still trapped with consumerisme issues. We have not reach your level of Post Materialism. Yet.

Yes, probably I am not as intelligent as you, you are the real thing, the real shit, the real people with real license to be a writer, probably because you are depressed, your whole life is a complete tarpit of misery, what with the shrink and the brickfields lifestyle, and plus you have travelled the world… see things from different angles making everything you say, every single thing you are philosophically opposed to, carries profound weight…

Needless to say I am not and believe me; a lot of us are not. A lot of us are just stupidity of the highest order to you. The mere mortal fuckwits at the bottomest of the human hierarchy.

A lot of us haven't got the balls, or maybe rich Tan Sri father, well-connected family or trust fund money to fall back to. We are on our own. We do this and we take shit, at our own will and then we figured,"Hey I might as well write something about it!"

And thus, the things, stuff which are well on the surface that you conveniently label as 'weak'. But at least, its there for you to grab as it is. Its probably banal and it has no layers but it is what it is, it doesn't talk about A but it means B! Its pretty simple really. You get it, you get it, you don't then probably you are the 20% of the elite intelligent group whom I may never be able to relate with. Ever!

Jangan Makan Nasi

Aku adalah protaganis. Ini adalah natural kerana kita selalunya protaganis dan orang lain adalah antagonis dalam hidup kita. Antagonis aku kali ini adalah pakcik di kafeteria yang aku jumpa hampir setiap hari - yang setiap hari akan tegur aku berkenaan pilihan dietari-ku.

"eh dik, tak makan nasik ke? diet ke?" katanya dengan nada nyaring seolah-olah ingin memberitahu semua orang tentang keganjilan seorang lelaki yang tak makan nasik - sambil tersenyum sinis. Secara parallel, mungkin fenomena lelaki tak makan nasik ini sangat menjengkelkan seperti pengklonan manusia dan binatang - abnormal. dan dia akan tegur aku setiap kali, setiap kali aku singgah ke kedainya menjengah smorgasbod yang tersedia.

Dan setiap kali itulah aku hanya tersenyum. Aku tersenyum kerana pada aku hal-hal dietari adalah sangat peribadi, dan aku rasakan sensitif. Sama sensitif kalau kita tahu seorang muslim itu makan babi, orang india makan daging lembu atau orang cina... well they eat everything. Itu hak mereka, itu akaun bank mereka... orang lain tidak harus ambil peduli.

Jadi seperti biasa, aku senyum ambil makanan dan duduk berseorangan. Pakcik kafe kemudiannya turut duduk berhampiran dengan aku sambil menghisap rokok winston.

'awkward moment.'

Tak lama selepas itu, ada karektor ketiga, seorang lelaki yang sangat unassuming cuba memasukkan syiling ke dalam poket kecilnya. Syiling-syilingnya terjatuh bersepah-sepah di atas lantai dan kebetulan berhampiran dengan kaki pakcik kafe antagonis. Dia cuba mengambil syiling tersebut tetapi akibat ukur lilit pinggangnya yang agak besar (about 38-42 inch rough estimate) selain perutnya yang besar, beliau tak mampu tunduk sehabisnya untuk tolong mengutip syiling tersebut. Kegagalan ini hanya mampu dimitigate oleh sengihan yang amat sengal. Lelaki ketiga itu juga berlalu pergi membiarkan syiling-syilingnya.

Seorang lelaki yang sangat unassuming yang telah menyelesaikan segala persoalan pakcik kafe itu, menerangkan segala sebab yang aku perjuangkan, kenapa aku tak makan nasik - situasi ini dipanggil 'deus ex-machina'.

Bagaimana Menjadi Kaya

Tahun Baru Cina lepas, aku balik kampung. Aku tengok bapak aku, bapak aku masih boleh berjalan dan masih menyumpah Anwar Ibrahim bila dengar nama dia kat TV. Aku geleng kepala, tapi nak cakap apa? Bapak aku penyokong kuat UMNO dan Barisan Nasional. Right wing gila-gila punya. Mati hidup balik pun dia tak akan undi pembangkang.

Ini menyebabkan aku selalu bertekak dengan dia. Pasal aku neutral, dan kepada seorang penyokong parti politik, seorang yang neutral juga bermakna aku menentang. Sama la macam penyokong pembangkang yang sesuka hati fikir aku macai UMNO pasal aku Melayu dan aku tak buta tuli nak sokong pembangkang. Aku tengok isu, dan aku tahu bila pukimak politician ni semua menipu.

Aku jugak perhatikan yang pemimpin masyarakat yang sebenar - mereka yang benar-benar membina komuniti mereka tanpa meminta ganjaran dan sogokan wang ringgit lama-lama akan jadi macam bapak aku. Takde langsung macam orang kaya-kaya dekat KL dengan rumah banglo kat Damansara Heights atau apartment RM50 juta kat KLCC.

Bapak aku telus, dan dia tak pernah bertukar sokongan. Tak macam skim penipuan pelacuran di Melaka ni. Ramai mereka yang menyokong pembangkang akan mula menjadi penyokong kerajaan yang gila babi sebaik disogok wang ringgit. Ramai ahli pembangkang sekarang bertukar parti semata-mata sebab sudah tiada peluang untuk merompak wang titik peluh rakyat biasa macam bapak aku kalau masih dalam Barisan Nasional.

AKu perhatikan dua-dua belah pihak kerajaan dan pembangkang sebagai benda paling hina dalam dunia.

Semasa aku datang ke KL pada tahun 2009, aku sedar dengan kekayaan si celaka-si celaka di sekeliling aku. Perompak-perompak wang rakyat yang datang daripada kedua belah percaturan politik - Kerajaan DAN Pembangkang. Semuanya anjing pukimak mak bapak dia dan babi sondol menyudu longkang, penghisap jubur profesional dengan bermulut busuk.

Pada beberapa kali dalam hidup aku, aku berfikir dengan serius - mahukah aku hidup dengan memiliki apartment The Binjai berharga RM50 juta? Mahukah aku ada drebar dengan kereta Bugatti Veyron?

Mahukah aku dihisap konek oleh gadis-gadis terdesak yang hauskan peluang untuk menjadi kaya raya, lantas berenang di kolam renang di dalam rumah di OneKL?

Jawapannya, ya.

Soalan kedua ialah, mahukah aku menghulurkan lubang jubur taikku untuk dijilat dan dijolok sama ada secara figuratif atau literal, nyata atau proverbial oleh watak-watak seperti Anwar Ibrahim atau yang lebih teruk lagi?

Sebab ini ialah jalan terpantas untuk menjadi kaya - menghulur jubur sambil lidahku ligat menjilat lubang jubur taik para ahli politik yang KESEMUANYA jauh lebih bodoh daripada aku?

Aku berfikir lama. Ada dalam lima-enam tahun.

Selepas itu aku memutuskan, aku punyai batasan dan akan cuba menjadi kaya dengan hanya menggunakan kehebatan otak aku. Aku akan cari makan dengan cara yang halal. Sekiranya aku masih miskin pada akhir percubaan atau hujung nyawa aku, maka aku terpaksa redha dan mengiktiraf bahawa mereka yang menjilat dan menghisap lubang jubur taik para ahli politik sambil lidah mereka dimasukkan jauh melepasi rectum sambil mencecah ketulan-ketulan taik di dalam usus besar sebenarnya lebih pandai daripada aku.

Sebab makan taik akan memberikan kau segala kemewahan dalam dunia ini. Mana mungkin aku akan dapat kontrak-kontrak dengan bayaran setimpal untuk kerja aku yang selalunya berlipat kali ganda nilainya daripada nilai yang tertera? Mana mungkin dunia ini adil dan menghargai seorang genius seperti aku? Terutamanya dunia Melayu yang dipenuhi berukera penjilat jubur taik yang Maha Berkuasa?

Tun Sri Lanang memasukkan kisah Hang Nadim ke dalam Sejarah Melayu sebab aku rasa dia fikir keadaan ini adalah masalah orang Melayu - takutkan orang yang bijak seperti aku. Ini juga amaran untuk orang seperti aku dan bapak aku - tiada niat yang baik yang tidak dihukum.

Bapak aku tak pernah kaya, tak pernah faham apakah maknanya menjadi seorang yang benar-benar kaya. Bagi bapak aku, RM20,000 ialah sejumlah wang yang amat besar.

Aku rasa, pengakhiran aku akan jadi seperti bapak aku. Aku tak heran pun. Aku dah melepaskan impian rumah banglo besar di tengah KL, atau apartment duplex mewah dengan kolam renang di dalam rumah.

Aku cuma ingin pulang ke kampung dan menjaga mak bapak aku, sekiranya mereka masih hidup. Jika tidak, aku hanya mahu balik kampung dan menunggu mati.