And I Hear the Gentle Beating of Mighty Wings

All my life, I've always been alone. It was and is my choice.

I don't trust humans, because they are always selfish. Driven by their egos, humans always try to use me for shit, either to prop their own ego, further their own agenda or whatever.

Therefore I am always touched when those who have no real reason to help me out step out of the woodwork or from on high and try to accommodate my weird shit.

It always happens in a time of darkness. When things start to look as if it will crumble to dust, I always get help from somewhere.

I guess I've always been lucky. And I say that with gratitude, not arrogance. I acknowledge the fact that anything good I have achieved took the effort and help from many people.

So, I give thanks to the ones who extended a hand to me. I don't expect anyone to do everything or anything for me, but sometimes it's nice to know that I'm not facing everything alone.

The silencer makes a whisper of the gunshot. I'll never know what I was running from. I'll cash the cheque this week.

Yay!

A Tale of Sound and Fury

Tonight, I went through a full half-hour of dramatic pathos, heroic delusions and unbounded megalomania.

I was explaining to a hapless friend how I am humanity's last chance, the saviour of mankind, when I thought, "This is stupid."

I am NOT anyone's saviour. I am NOT a superhero. I am a man. With a dick.

In fact, I am nothing. I am space.

There is no need for drama or a heightened sense of self-importance. I breathe, I eat, I shit. And when the time comes, I will die. Nothing at all like the drama in my head.

For a while there, I was caught in the ego's story. We all have stories in which we are the leads, the heroes of our own saga. We tell it to ourselves everyday and if we're not careful, we will believe in our own bullshit.

I think part of growing up is getting rid of that addiction to focus on the task and decisions at hand.

We get old, we get ugly, we lose those things that we think make us who we are, and then we die. Nothing lasts forever.

I currently have many things to do and think about. Rather than drown myself in a pool of angst and pathos, I am going to do some work.

Cheers!

Askar Jerman Yang Penyedih

Just came back from watching Avengers: Endgames dan aku nak cerita sikit. Bukan pasal avenger tapi pasal askar jerman. 

Aku pernah baca cerpen 'Askar Jerman Yang Penyedih' dalam satu buku antologi cerpen terjemahan. Masa tu, aku berumur lapan tahun. Banyak benda jadi masa umur aku lapan, aku mula sedar keluarga aku miskin, dan aku terjumpa cerpen Askar Jerman Yang Penyedih somewhere. 

Aku tak ingat sangat ceritanya, dan aku tak ingat nama penulisnya. Aku tak berani nak Google pasal aku takut cerita tu jadi lain daripada ingatan aku. Kalau ikutkan imaginasi aku, aku bayangkan cerpen Askar Jerman Yang Penyedih ni pasal askar Jerman yang sedih sebab kuih dia terjatuh dalam sungai berlumpur.

Selama lebih 20 tahun, aku membayangkan kuih apa yang dimakan oleh orang Jerman? Orang Jerman takde seri muka, jemput pisang ataupun ketupat pulut. Bagel makanan orang Yahudi, jenis-jenis karipap popular dengan orang Inggeris, Denmark dan Belanda.

Aku membayangkan, askar Jerman tu, mungkin membawa bekal roti Jerman yang menggunakan tepung rye. Mungkin mak dia masak, atau awek dia kat kampung. Aku bayangkan, mungkin awek dia simpan tepung sikit-sikit sebab nak buat kuih tu. Yalah, zaman perang, mesti susah nak buat tepung.

Lepas tu aku pikir pulak, dalam macam-macam rekaan manusia, aku paling hargai roti. Nak buat roti bukan senang prosesnya. Mula-mula, gandum rupa dia macam lalang atau sampah. Manusia zaman purba perlu tuai gandum, keringkan, tumbuk, kisar, campur air, garam, gula, telur, yis, uli, biar dia naik, cucuk kasi angin keluar, uli balik, bagi naik sekali lagi, kemudian bakar.

Aku fikir, proses rekaan roti mengambil masa mungkin beratus-ratus tahun. Bayangkan daripada gandum, ko nak buat kuih Jerman. Kuih yang akhirnya akan diberi sebagai bekal kepada askar Jerman dalam cerpen Askar Jerman Yang Penyedih, yang kemudiannya, ketika dia berjalan melintas sebuah jambatan kecil, telah dilanggar oleh seorang pemacu keldai berbangsa Yahudi, menyebabkan kuih Jerman tadi jatuh ke dalam sungai yang berlumpur.

Aku bayangkan Askar Jerman tadi sedih, kemudian, dengan penuh kesayuan yang tidak terperi, mengambil bayonet kemudian menikam pemacu keldai berbangsa Yahudi tadi, menerosok lubang jubur taik lelaki tua berjanggut tersebut.

Aku bayangkan, dengan sedih, Askar Jerman tadi menikam dan menikam lagi. Bertubi-tubi, sampai seluruh usus besar dan kecil pemacu keldai Yahudi itu tidak berupa organ manusia lagi.

Aku teringat cerpen ini sebab macam itulah rasanya aku tadi semasa menonton Avengers: Endgame, dengan watak pemacu keldai Yahudi itu diganti dengan mereka yang bercakap dalam pawagam. Aku rasa sedih, seperti kuih Jerman aku jatuh ke dalm sungai berlumpur, dan aku rasa macam nak menikam mereka berkali-kali di lubang jubur sampai usus mereka kelihatan seperti daging kisar yang kemudiannya dijadikan daging dalam Quarter Pounder with Cheese McDonalds.